Thursday, May 25, 2006
Battlefield
I really am sad about what is happening to me right now. There are times I feel that I have the strength to survive all life's unending challenge but most of the time, I can't help but quit. I am not saying that I am a quitter, although that made you confused I guess. It is just that, you all know the feeling of being between two decisions yet both of them are too far for you to imagine. I guess what I have learned about my standing just this day made that feeling inside me grow bigger. I can't help but to feel bad about my own accomplishments knowing that they are not enough. I cry most of the time now, especially when I pray to God. See, what He is planning for me I can't seem to understand completely. I know that this is a test that God has made so that I would become stronger as a believer, but I am only human. I make mistakes just like everybody else. I get impatient so I become mad and irritated. That's when I give up of everything.
A while ago, I was standing on that battleground, thinking of all the chances I have. My dad had all his support for me. He was a fighter. That is one thing I did not get from him. While he was there trying to help me win this battle, I was there talking to myself. "Is this where I should be? Is this where my fate I shall see?" As I was asking myself these questions, tears are forming in my eyes. I know I should not let others see that I am that fragile so I kept them from falling. I breathed hard and tried to bring back all the strength within me. It was then that my dad told me about the chances I had for winning. I was in the borderline. Okay then, borderline. That's fine with me. But that was really, really hard for me to accept.
I hate losing battles. I hate to give up. But what I hate most is while in that field, I begin to be stagnant and all my enemies take advantage. I hate to say that I am not a good soldier, but that's what I really am.
I am sorry God for being one. Help me to change so that when you put me to another war I could definitely withstand the pressure.
But for now Lord, while in this present battlefield, may I find Your will to be what's best for me. Amen.
Posted by halee at 3:29 PM
(0) comments